Motherfucker.
I am homesick for nothing in particular, today. Acutely, I am aware that the feeling of missing something, of being out of place and alone, is not new and is not a symptom of this new place. I am alone in this land full of people and the one connection I have made is tenuous and confusing.
All through highschool, I would be interested in some boy but too ashamed to do anything about it. It was never the cool guy, or some guy who I didn't have reason or opportunity to talk to. It was usually an acquaintance or sort of friend whom I would spend a reasonable amount of time with. I would spend that time being nervous and trying to hide the parts of myself that I thought he wouldn't like. I was a deeply insecure and self-conscious person at that time, and I was certain nobody would ever like me for me.
As one can imagine, this never went well. The boys who did seem to like me for me, I was never interested in, and instead I focused my tortured attention on boys who had no idea I liked them. It was almost as if it was a game for me - to spend as much time as possible with them without them noticing I liked them. Only once did I pursue successfully, and that was with a sweet-sixteen never been kissed boy who was just too nervous to ask me out.
At some point recently, I made up my mind to wear my heart on my sleeve with this new boy. I realize that the quiet desperation of hoping he will call or contact me only to be constantly disappointed is just something I am not interested in. I am not cool or coy, I do not give come-hither looks. I am not smooth. I do not understand flirting! But, I am very nice and I know how to be friendly and what I hope for more than anything in the world is that that will be enough for whoever's next.
There is a proverb about everyone having two wolves inside of them and the one which is stronger is the one you feed. I am doing my damnedest to feed the cheerful, friendly, kind, and genuinely interested wolf. The wolf who has compassion, who understands people, who is secure and generous with herself too. The one who is still afraid but courageous and adventurous nonetheless. These are conscious efforts on my part, and I have been happier for it.
With regards to boy, this has meant basically saying "Hi, I like you. I like spending time with you. I think you're nice, and I appreciate it. I am available." And he hasn't reciprocated, he's kept mum. He's still being helpful and nice, and initiating contact with me, but he's either being reserved or just doesn't feel the same way.
My heart is on my sleeve and I am taking my first romantic risk, possibly ever. I have no idea where I stand, and I feel very bare. But whatever the result, I hope to hell that at the end of the day, I can say I gave it my best shot.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Forget How Much it Hurts and Try Again.
A lot has been happening and the virtue I am exercising this week is patience.
I had a wicked cold for a week which is still not totally gone, though mentally I am fine. I'm still just coughing a bit. Anyway, boy and I both got sick at the same time and had to cancel plans for Bonfire Night. I ended up just watching fireworks from the bus and from my bedroom window, though mostly I could only hear them in the distance.
I had to work through my cold as everyone at my work was also sick. I had days of not being able to hear, not being able to breathe, coughing, all the normal cold symptoms, but I am so used to my paid sick-days and a boss who doesn't want me to get my germs in her business that I haven't worked while properly sick in years. It left me not wanting to do anything at all.
Finally, this weekend, I was feeling mended. Sunday, I met up with boy and got immersed into a world that is far cooler than I am. We walked around Brick Lane, Spitalfields Market, and the vintage market. I bought some beautiful hand-spun wool, which I have since made a hat out of, and had Japanese street food for lunch. It was pretty great. Afterward, went to see a gig in a record shop. Again, wasn't sure what I was in for, since with music it could have been anything, but it turned out to be absolutely lovely ladies singing and playing guitar.
The only downside to the day was a strangeness in the conversation. I was nervous, given that I have now realized that I do actually like him. So, being nervous, I get a bit quiet and awkward. He was very sleepy and kind of quiet. Of course I cannot just stay cool and be ok with his quietness, I have to worry about it. So I became more nervous and generally felt bad about whether or not we were getting on.
What I realized afterward, which was reinforced when texting with him later, was that other people get nervous too. It dawned on me that he probably isn't totally comfortable around me either, and that's not my fault. He's a bit awkward and has told me he's shy, so of course he'd be quiet! Anyway, I totally shifted from feeling inadequate to feeling compassionate towards him and his shyness. I'm interested to see how this change of context will impact our next meeting!
Regardless, he is very sweet and nice to me. He offers me all kinds of helpful advice about this lovely city and checks on me to see how I'm doing. I told him my first impression of him was that he was harmless, and it does still fit. We disagree or just have different preferences on all kinds of things, and he neither forces his point nor changes his mind. It's refreshing. And none of this captures it, exactly. He is simply very nice to me, and I am inclined to be very nice to him. It feels good.
I am also very aware that this is the first time I've felt this way since most-recent-ex, which was nearly 8 months ago, as well as this is the first crush I've had since P when I was 19. I finally feel ready for this - I feel like I've finally gotten my appetite back after having been sick for a long time.
I read a quote today: "Forget how much it hurts and try again." That is how I feel with regards to relationship. I have my heart very securely on my sleeve and I am keenly aware I might get hurt, here. But I want love more than I am afraid of getting hurt. Boy has a quote as well: "The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated." His is from Ted Hughes. I am inspired by both quotes, but I want to know why he likes his.
Here we go!
I had a wicked cold for a week which is still not totally gone, though mentally I am fine. I'm still just coughing a bit. Anyway, boy and I both got sick at the same time and had to cancel plans for Bonfire Night. I ended up just watching fireworks from the bus and from my bedroom window, though mostly I could only hear them in the distance.
I had to work through my cold as everyone at my work was also sick. I had days of not being able to hear, not being able to breathe, coughing, all the normal cold symptoms, but I am so used to my paid sick-days and a boss who doesn't want me to get my germs in her business that I haven't worked while properly sick in years. It left me not wanting to do anything at all.
Finally, this weekend, I was feeling mended. Sunday, I met up with boy and got immersed into a world that is far cooler than I am. We walked around Brick Lane, Spitalfields Market, and the vintage market. I bought some beautiful hand-spun wool, which I have since made a hat out of, and had Japanese street food for lunch. It was pretty great. Afterward, went to see a gig in a record shop. Again, wasn't sure what I was in for, since with music it could have been anything, but it turned out to be absolutely lovely ladies singing and playing guitar.
The only downside to the day was a strangeness in the conversation. I was nervous, given that I have now realized that I do actually like him. So, being nervous, I get a bit quiet and awkward. He was very sleepy and kind of quiet. Of course I cannot just stay cool and be ok with his quietness, I have to worry about it. So I became more nervous and generally felt bad about whether or not we were getting on.
What I realized afterward, which was reinforced when texting with him later, was that other people get nervous too. It dawned on me that he probably isn't totally comfortable around me either, and that's not my fault. He's a bit awkward and has told me he's shy, so of course he'd be quiet! Anyway, I totally shifted from feeling inadequate to feeling compassionate towards him and his shyness. I'm interested to see how this change of context will impact our next meeting!
Regardless, he is very sweet and nice to me. He offers me all kinds of helpful advice about this lovely city and checks on me to see how I'm doing. I told him my first impression of him was that he was harmless, and it does still fit. We disagree or just have different preferences on all kinds of things, and he neither forces his point nor changes his mind. It's refreshing. And none of this captures it, exactly. He is simply very nice to me, and I am inclined to be very nice to him. It feels good.
I am also very aware that this is the first time I've felt this way since most-recent-ex, which was nearly 8 months ago, as well as this is the first crush I've had since P when I was 19. I finally feel ready for this - I feel like I've finally gotten my appetite back after having been sick for a long time.
I read a quote today: "Forget how much it hurts and try again." That is how I feel with regards to relationship. I have my heart very securely on my sleeve and I am keenly aware I might get hurt, here. But I want love more than I am afraid of getting hurt. Boy has a quote as well: "The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated." His is from Ted Hughes. I am inspired by both quotes, but I want to know why he likes his.
Here we go!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I'm sooo tired / I haven't slept a wink
So as of today, I have been in London for two weeks. I have a temporary place to live, a full-time job til Christmas, and I've made a friend.
There's more to say than I have the energy to write, but a few things I wanted to touch on:
1. Retail is tough work and will be my exercise for the next two months. I like putting things on shelves and I'm not afraid to carry boxes around. Customer service is so ridiculously easy. The only challenge is having patience with myself while wrapping breakables, since I have the opinion that I should just zoom along. Also, one of my co-workers might hate me. I find it unsettling, but also interesting.
2. Having a retail job in this area of the city is a blessing and a curse. For me, it's a blessing since it's full-time work when I could have been without work right now. I was chosen out of 750 CV's to work there. The curse is that 744 CV's were not chosen, and I know full-well that many of those people really could use the money more than me.
3. This place is amazingly diverse and interesting. At first brush, I thought I was living in the ghetto. The streets are cracked, some of the houses are deplorable, but really everything just looks old. However, it is old, and should look that way. And I think it's actually fairly safe.
The diversity of people living here is something I'm still getting used to. I've realized that when I see people who look and dress and hold their facial expression a certain way, I assume that I know what they're about and that is extraordinarily prejudiced. I am consciously trying to just be with the people as they are, rather than being afraid of them (racist) or feeling out of place for being privileged-white-middle-class (white guilt, also racist). Somehow, I didn't think I'd be having to deal with my prejudices here. I didn't really think I had any.
4. Related to the above, I am noticing where I feel safe/unsafe. I came to the decision last week that, yes, going outside is always a risk. Walking at night is a risk. Strangers are risks. However, I am going to do whatever I want while I am here, and sometimes that will involve taking one of those risks. So now I feel perfectly comfortable outside at night. I am still aware and careful, but I am not afraid.
I also have been talking to strangers with mixed results. Risky.
5. "London is fucking awesome and there is so much going on here oh my goodness Neil Gaiman is here oh my goodness this place is magical!" That is roughly what went through my head last week. I saw my only friend in London, and was explaining the above while bemoaning that I wouldn't actually be able to see him. She suggested I write him a letter. I was intimidated by writing a writer, but did it anyway.
The following day, on my twitter feed, Mr. Gaiman re-tweeted someone who had a spare ticket for his talk that night. I replied first. I got the ticket. The boy who I met was also surprisingly lovely, and it was just an amazing evening. The whole experience was delightful: getting exactly what I wanted (the ticket and two books signed), choosing not to worry about meeting a stranger and then having to sit next to someone who could potentially be awful (he wasn't), and then trusting my gut that this boy was in fact quite nice and exploring London at night with him.
So with the list above in mind, I did see the boy again yesterday for more walking and a really great beer - Hobgoblin, I think. Very malty. Medium, like Sleemans maybe, but maltier. Delicious. It was a pleasant evening, and my takeaway was that he's very nice and I'd like to see him again. I could make it more complicated than that, and I feel like there is this miasma around me, pulling me to deconstruct and process everything, but the truth is that it's as simple as that. Tomorrow, I will see what he's doing for Bonfire Night, and regardless I will see him again soon.
There's more to say than I have the energy to write, but a few things I wanted to touch on:
1. Retail is tough work and will be my exercise for the next two months. I like putting things on shelves and I'm not afraid to carry boxes around. Customer service is so ridiculously easy. The only challenge is having patience with myself while wrapping breakables, since I have the opinion that I should just zoom along. Also, one of my co-workers might hate me. I find it unsettling, but also interesting.
2. Having a retail job in this area of the city is a blessing and a curse. For me, it's a blessing since it's full-time work when I could have been without work right now. I was chosen out of 750 CV's to work there. The curse is that 744 CV's were not chosen, and I know full-well that many of those people really could use the money more than me.
3. This place is amazingly diverse and interesting. At first brush, I thought I was living in the ghetto. The streets are cracked, some of the houses are deplorable, but really everything just looks old. However, it is old, and should look that way. And I think it's actually fairly safe.
The diversity of people living here is something I'm still getting used to. I've realized that when I see people who look and dress and hold their facial expression a certain way, I assume that I know what they're about and that is extraordinarily prejudiced. I am consciously trying to just be with the people as they are, rather than being afraid of them (racist) or feeling out of place for being privileged-white-middle-class (white guilt, also racist). Somehow, I didn't think I'd be having to deal with my prejudices here. I didn't really think I had any.
4. Related to the above, I am noticing where I feel safe/unsafe. I came to the decision last week that, yes, going outside is always a risk. Walking at night is a risk. Strangers are risks. However, I am going to do whatever I want while I am here, and sometimes that will involve taking one of those risks. So now I feel perfectly comfortable outside at night. I am still aware and careful, but I am not afraid.
I also have been talking to strangers with mixed results. Risky.
5. "London is fucking awesome and there is so much going on here oh my goodness Neil Gaiman is here oh my goodness this place is magical!" That is roughly what went through my head last week. I saw my only friend in London, and was explaining the above while bemoaning that I wouldn't actually be able to see him. She suggested I write him a letter. I was intimidated by writing a writer, but did it anyway.
The following day, on my twitter feed, Mr. Gaiman re-tweeted someone who had a spare ticket for his talk that night. I replied first. I got the ticket. The boy who I met was also surprisingly lovely, and it was just an amazing evening. The whole experience was delightful: getting exactly what I wanted (the ticket and two books signed), choosing not to worry about meeting a stranger and then having to sit next to someone who could potentially be awful (he wasn't), and then trusting my gut that this boy was in fact quite nice and exploring London at night with him.
So with the list above in mind, I did see the boy again yesterday for more walking and a really great beer - Hobgoblin, I think. Very malty. Medium, like Sleemans maybe, but maltier. Delicious. It was a pleasant evening, and my takeaway was that he's very nice and I'd like to see him again. I could make it more complicated than that, and I feel like there is this miasma around me, pulling me to deconstruct and process everything, but the truth is that it's as simple as that. Tomorrow, I will see what he's doing for Bonfire Night, and regardless I will see him again soon.
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