Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride

Motherfucker.

I am homesick for nothing in particular, today. Acutely, I am aware that the feeling of missing something, of being out of place and alone, is not new and is not a symptom of this new place. I am alone in this land full of people and the one connection I have made is tenuous and confusing.

All through highschool, I would be interested in some boy but too ashamed to do anything about it. It was never the cool guy, or some guy who I didn't have reason or opportunity to talk to. It was usually an acquaintance or sort of friend whom I would spend a reasonable amount of time with. I would spend that time being nervous and trying to hide the parts of myself that I thought he wouldn't like. I was a deeply insecure and self-conscious person at that time, and I was certain nobody would ever like me for me.

As one can imagine, this never went well. The boys who did seem to like me for me, I was never interested in, and instead I focused my tortured attention on boys who had no idea I liked them. It was almost as if it was a game for me -  to spend as much time as possible with them without them noticing I liked them. Only once did I pursue successfully, and that was with a sweet-sixteen never been kissed boy who was just too nervous to ask me out.

At some point recently, I made up my mind to wear my heart on my sleeve with this new boy. I realize that the quiet desperation of hoping he will call or contact me only to be constantly disappointed is just something I am not interested in. I am not cool or coy, I do not give come-hither looks. I am not smooth. I do not understand flirting! But, I am very nice and I know how to be friendly and what I hope for more than anything in the world is that that will be enough for whoever's next.

There is a proverb about everyone having two wolves inside of them and the one which is stronger is the one you feed. I am doing my damnedest to feed the cheerful, friendly, kind, and genuinely interested wolf. The wolf who has compassion, who understands people, who is secure and generous with herself too. The one who is still afraid but courageous and adventurous nonetheless. These are conscious efforts on my part, and I have been happier for it.

With regards to boy, this has meant basically saying "Hi, I like you. I like spending time with you. I think you're nice, and I appreciate it. I am available." And he hasn't reciprocated, he's kept mum. He's still being helpful and nice, and initiating contact with me, but he's either being reserved or just doesn't feel the same way.

My heart is on my sleeve and I am taking my first romantic risk, possibly ever. I have no idea where I stand, and I feel very bare. But whatever the result, I hope to hell that at the end of the day, I can say I gave it my best shot.