Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride

Motherfucker.

I am homesick for nothing in particular, today. Acutely, I am aware that the feeling of missing something, of being out of place and alone, is not new and is not a symptom of this new place. I am alone in this land full of people and the one connection I have made is tenuous and confusing.

All through highschool, I would be interested in some boy but too ashamed to do anything about it. It was never the cool guy, or some guy who I didn't have reason or opportunity to talk to. It was usually an acquaintance or sort of friend whom I would spend a reasonable amount of time with. I would spend that time being nervous and trying to hide the parts of myself that I thought he wouldn't like. I was a deeply insecure and self-conscious person at that time, and I was certain nobody would ever like me for me.

As one can imagine, this never went well. The boys who did seem to like me for me, I was never interested in, and instead I focused my tortured attention on boys who had no idea I liked them. It was almost as if it was a game for me -  to spend as much time as possible with them without them noticing I liked them. Only once did I pursue successfully, and that was with a sweet-sixteen never been kissed boy who was just too nervous to ask me out.

At some point recently, I made up my mind to wear my heart on my sleeve with this new boy. I realize that the quiet desperation of hoping he will call or contact me only to be constantly disappointed is just something I am not interested in. I am not cool or coy, I do not give come-hither looks. I am not smooth. I do not understand flirting! But, I am very nice and I know how to be friendly and what I hope for more than anything in the world is that that will be enough for whoever's next.

There is a proverb about everyone having two wolves inside of them and the one which is stronger is the one you feed. I am doing my damnedest to feed the cheerful, friendly, kind, and genuinely interested wolf. The wolf who has compassion, who understands people, who is secure and generous with herself too. The one who is still afraid but courageous and adventurous nonetheless. These are conscious efforts on my part, and I have been happier for it.

With regards to boy, this has meant basically saying "Hi, I like you. I like spending time with you. I think you're nice, and I appreciate it. I am available." And he hasn't reciprocated, he's kept mum. He's still being helpful and nice, and initiating contact with me, but he's either being reserved or just doesn't feel the same way.

My heart is on my sleeve and I am taking my first romantic risk, possibly ever. I have no idea where I stand, and I feel very bare. But whatever the result, I hope to hell that at the end of the day, I can say I gave it my best shot.

Forget How Much it Hurts and Try Again.

A lot has been happening and the virtue I am exercising this week is patience.

I had a wicked cold for a week which is still not totally gone, though mentally I am fine. I'm still just coughing a bit. Anyway, boy and I both got sick at the same time and had to cancel plans for Bonfire Night. I ended up just watching fireworks from the bus and from my bedroom window, though mostly I could only hear them in the distance.

I had to work through my cold as everyone at my work was also sick. I had days of not being able to hear, not being able to breathe, coughing, all the normal cold symptoms, but I am so used to my paid sick-days and a boss who doesn't want me to get my germs in her business that I haven't worked while properly sick in years. It left me not wanting to do anything at all.

Finally, this weekend, I was feeling mended. Sunday, I met up with boy and got immersed into a world that is far cooler than I am. We walked around Brick Lane, Spitalfields Market, and the vintage market. I bought some beautiful hand-spun wool, which I have since made a hat out of, and had Japanese street food for lunch. It was pretty great. Afterward, went to see a gig in a record shop. Again, wasn't sure what I was in for, since with music it could have been anything, but it turned out to be absolutely lovely ladies singing and playing guitar.

The only downside to the day was a strangeness in the conversation. I was nervous, given that I have now realized that I do actually like him. So, being nervous, I get a bit quiet and awkward. He was very sleepy and kind of quiet. Of course I cannot just stay cool and be ok with his quietness, I have to worry about it. So I became more nervous and generally felt bad about whether or not we were getting on.

What I realized afterward, which was reinforced when texting with him later, was that other people get nervous too. It dawned on me that he probably isn't totally comfortable around me either, and that's not my fault. He's a bit awkward and has told me he's shy, so of course he'd be quiet! Anyway, I totally shifted from feeling inadequate to feeling compassionate towards him and his shyness. I'm interested to see how this change of context will impact our next meeting!

Regardless, he is very sweet and nice to me. He offers me all kinds of helpful advice about this lovely city and checks on me to see how I'm doing. I told him my first impression of him was that he was harmless, and it does still fit. We disagree or just have different preferences on all kinds of things, and he neither forces his point nor changes his mind. It's refreshing. And none of this captures it, exactly. He is simply very nice to me, and I am inclined to be very nice to him. It feels good.

I am also very aware that this is the first time I've felt this way since most-recent-ex, which was nearly 8 months ago, as well as this is the first crush I've had since P when I was 19. I finally feel ready for this - I feel like I've finally gotten my appetite back after having been sick for a long time.

I read a quote today: "Forget how much it hurts and try again." That is how I feel with regards to relationship. I have my heart very securely on my sleeve and I am keenly aware I might get hurt, here. But I want love more than I am afraid of getting hurt. Boy has a quote as well: "The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated." His is from Ted Hughes. I am inspired by both quotes, but I want to know why he likes his.

Here we go!

I'm sooo tired / I haven't slept a wink

So as of today, I have been in London for two weeks. I have a temporary place to live, a full-time job til Christmas, and I've made a friend.

There's more to say than I have the energy to write, but a few things I wanted to touch on:

1. Retail is tough work and will be my exercise for the next two months. I like putting things on shelves and I'm not afraid to carry boxes around. Customer service is so ridiculously easy. The only challenge is having patience with myself while wrapping breakables, since I have the opinion that I should just zoom along. Also, one of my co-workers might hate me. I find it unsettling, but also interesting.

2. Having a retail job in this area of the city is a blessing and a curse. For me, it's a blessing since it's full-time work when I could have been without work right now. I was chosen out of 750 CV's to work there. The curse is that 744 CV's were not chosen, and I know full-well that many of those people really could use the money more than me.

3. This place is amazingly diverse and interesting. At first brush, I thought I was living in the ghetto. The streets are cracked, some of the houses are deplorable, but really everything just looks old. However, it is old, and should look that way. And I think it's actually fairly safe.

The diversity of people living here is something I'm still getting used to. I've realized that when I see people who look and dress and hold their facial expression a certain way, I assume that I know what they're about and that is extraordinarily prejudiced. I am consciously trying to just be with the people as they are, rather than being afraid of them (racist) or feeling out of place for being privileged-white-middle-class (white guilt, also racist). Somehow, I didn't think I'd be having to deal with my prejudices here. I didn't really think I had any.

4. Related to the above, I am noticing where I feel safe/unsafe. I came to the decision last week that, yes, going outside is always a risk. Walking at night is a risk. Strangers are risks. However, I am going to do whatever I want while I am here, and sometimes that will involve taking one of those risks. So now I feel perfectly comfortable outside at night. I am still aware and careful, but I am not afraid.

I also have been talking to strangers with mixed results. Risky.

5. "London is fucking awesome and there is so much going on here oh my goodness Neil Gaiman is here oh my goodness this place is magical!" That is roughly what went through my head last week. I saw my only friend in London, and was explaining the above while bemoaning that I wouldn't actually be able to see him. She suggested I write him a letter. I was intimidated by writing a writer, but did it anyway.

The following day, on my twitter feed, Mr. Gaiman re-tweeted someone who had a spare ticket for his talk that night. I replied first. I got the ticket. The boy who I met was also surprisingly lovely, and it was just an amazing evening. The whole experience was delightful: getting exactly what I wanted (the ticket and two books signed), choosing not to worry about meeting a stranger and then having to sit next to someone who could potentially be awful (he wasn't), and then trusting my gut that this boy was in fact quite nice and exploring London at night with him.


So with the list above in mind, I did see the boy again yesterday for more walking and a really great beer - Hobgoblin, I think. Very malty. Medium, like Sleemans maybe, but maltier. Delicious. It was a pleasant evening, and my takeaway was that he's very nice and I'd like to see him again. I could make it more complicated than that, and I feel like there is this miasma around me, pulling me to deconstruct and process everything, but the truth is that it's as simple as that. Tomorrow, I will see what he's doing for Bonfire Night, and regardless I will see him again soon.

Up in the Air

4:40 pm Oct 17 (GMT -8) - Posted later due to internet shortages.

So here I am, somewhere above Lake Athabasca, over Saskatchewan.

Suddenly, I was just struck with that I am really over Saskatchewan. Assiniboia district. This is the land that my ancestors all settled in, well the K's, the F's, the O's... not sure about the H's. This was a land of refuge for those Europeans. Depending on the part of my family, they came here from different lands and for different reasons, but overwhelmingly it was the decision to head west in hope.

I wonder if it's a distant remnant of that hope which has me pursue a life in England. And it's a hiatus for me. I'm not fleeing religious persecution or desolate circumstances. There is no unrest in Russia forcing me away from the Black Sea. I am not fleeing an abusive family, courageously seeking Canada at 13. There is no urgency to my trip besides the pursuit of a better life.

Another theme to my life these last few days has been that of fate. I'm not sure what lies ahead for me, but I am clear that I just took a fork in the road. I do not live in Canada anymore. I live nowhere. And in a sense, I'm not clear that I will ever live anywhere again. I have given up my home.

I'm curious to see how I'll feel about my hometown when I return next year. The supermall will be built. School will be waiting. My friends and family left behind will still be there. But it will all have changed, and I will have missed it.

On a less sentimental note, I am listening to my recent download of Jones Street Station. It's excellent. I was drawn to them because of their fantastic music video, but since then I downloaded a bunch of their music. Pretty awesome.

This morning was surreal. Dad left me a note, which made me cry, and I hung out with and said goodbye to Elway. I hope he's still around when I get back, but I don't know. I spent a good portion of this time wondering what the hell I was thinking. Then I taxied to the Airport. That was just fuss, getting on the plane and whatnot, but upon arrival in Vancouver I saw a departures screen which listed all these international destinations: Tokyo, Shanghai . . . and though my departure wasn't listed, it made it real again for me.

Holy pierogi I'm going to England.

We're already half-way across Saskatchewan. From the looks of this map, Nunavut is missing. It's all just NWT. I'm not clear where the border is, so I can't say for sure where I'm headed next.

Los Angeles is on the little flight map. That just makes me think of the crazy idea I had of finishing my Comp-Sci degree and heading to Silicone Valley. Working in California. In the sun. Where it's warm. Having lived my whole life in Canada, I can't imagine a place that doesn't just rain most of the time. I can't imagine being warm all the time. That just seems like an unreasonable luxury, but for me it could be possible.

I guess following the film people also has this seem like more of a possibility for me, given that they all live there. That's something to think about.

Living somewhere warm. Being warm. It just not raining all the time.

Anyway, the dinner cart is on its way here, so I guess I will stop for now. Have to make the best possible use of my tray, here.

Distraction

So given that I leave this country in three days, I am finding ways to distract myself and delay the inevitable what-was-I-thinking-I-am-going-to-die panic which will hit me at some point. One of the ways I have been doing this is by thinking about writing.

The idea of writing excites me. The idea of creating a world full of wonderful characters who are relatable and imperfect inspires me. The idea of contributing something worthwhile that other people actually read and like is my top-secret dream, but I have no idea how to do it, so I've been reading about it.

As I mentioned before, I'm a big fan of Dan Harmon. I was reading his blog and came across this post about character creation. I have been thinking of doing this exercise on someone I know, but I'm worried that I won't be able to stay compassionate. I think I would have to tear their soul out of their chest to really do this right, and it seems like an unfair exercise for that reason. That being said, whatever judgement I unearth through the exercise would be something that is right there, anyway, but it seems like writing something down in text makes it more real and final than thinking it in my head.

Or maybe I've got it all wrong and it won't be until I really embrace and wade around in someone else's flaws that I'll be able to finally accept them.

I think these noble thoughts like that maybe I will work on this while I'm on the plane, but in reality I'll likely watch some Community commentary until it's late enough to take an Ativan and go to sleep.

Change of Clothes

Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, just given everything that has happened, is my identity. There is something fixed and static that has me wake up in the same body every morning, but there is so much which is fluid and which I can change.

Take my location, for example. I am changing that to a new city, country, continent. My identity as a Canadian will stay the same, but with this physical change to a new location, part of who I see myself as will also change. I really find this comforting, which I wasn't expecting. I'm starting to enjoy testing the limits of who I am, and this change of where I live is an inevitable way to play with this. It also brings me to my second big change: who I am surrounded by.

Initially, the breakup had me be alone a lot. This was fine, and still is, but it had me pay a lot more attention to myself, since there was nobody else around. I thought for the first time in a long time about what would make me happy, regardless of anyone else. There isn't anyone I'm accountable to anymore, as friends and family can take or leave me, as far as I'm concerned. They don't get to say where I live or what I do, as that's not what their role in my life is. I don't tell them what to do, either. And given that I was now alone, I spent a lot of time just really thinking about all of the things that I could do, if I wanted to.

Some of those things were obvious, some surprised me. Some were enormous decisions (moving to England) and some were subtle (buying new glasses). I'm still very much in this transition period. Right now, I'm considering what schooling I want to take when I get back from England.

The third change, which I am making consciously, is re-thinking my entire wardrobe. As much as I try to justify a way around it, I know that I convey a large part of my personality and who I am to the world through what I choose to wear. It's not that any item of clothing is inherently better than any other, but everything I wear is a choice. The choice is what matters, not the fabric.  Now, it is honestly a better expression of myself to be wearing a cardigan with weird colour-blocking than to be wearing some sweater which is also workplace-approved.

Given that I have this choice, today I did go shopping. I thought a lot about who I want to be in the world, and I realized that having only one pair of jeans (which are rolled up at the bottoms because they are too long and which are honestly getting a little beat up) is not what I'm going for. Also, having these jeans be flared to offset my curves in a weird mom-trying-to-look-hip way when I am miles away from children is frankly kind of weird and ridiculous. So, I bought a pair dark wash skinny jeans and some grey cords. Both of these actually match my age and do not hide that yes, I have some curves, because who the hell cares? By trying to hide what I look like, I just look foolish.

I've actually had a few things I've read/seen point to this, lately. This comic http://theoatmeal.com/comics/age captures it perfectly. The person who is weird about the thing they don't like draws attention to it and comes across as an insecure weirdo. And I am pretty secure. Another thing that stuck was Danny Pudi in: http://rookiemag.com/2012/09/ask-a-grown-man-danny-pudi/ . There was something he said to the effect of "I'm a big fan of embracing your body type." He's adorable and super skinny, and I appreciate that he totally rocks the skinny jeans, which draw attention to his shape. They suit him.

So I think that my skinny pants and bright coloured clothing purchases today suit me. I really like how I look right now, which is cool, and I think my skinny jeans, weird-coloured cardigan, and t-shirt reflect my personality pretty well. Clothing is something that I can change about myself which is absolutely in my control, so it's a fun place to start. And a good looking guy checked me out, so that doesn't hurt!

Waiting and waiting

Still homeless. There is something sort of satisfying about it, really. I have no obligations beyond sitting around on peoples' couches, cleaning up after myself, and helping to pay for groceries.

The time staying with friends and baby was great. The baby was pretty cool though I'm clearer still that I don't want to have children of my own. It's not that I have anything against babies, it's more that I'm becoming clearer and clearer that I don't know that I want to dedicate my life to anything in particular. It's not that I would have to quit my job and stay home with the kids, giving up on all hope of being anything other than a mother, but more that I want the freedom to do whatever I like.

That being said, I'm not sure if that's all of it. Plenty of people drag their kids around while they move countries or cities - think of army brats or children of diplomats or whatever. I think it's more that I just don't want to be accountable to anyone who can't take care of themself. A partner is easy - they have free will to do whatever it is they want and can choose to follow me or not. But a child would be dependent on me for everything, and I just don't want that much responsibility.

Back to my homeless state.

The longer that I go on with this, the easier I am finding it. With low responsibility comes high relaxation. Also, a lot of time on the internet. This leads to me getting to participate in Twitter AMA's and read everything I possibly can by Dan Harmon. My hope is that if I consume enough, I will eventually begin to be able to produce something worthwhile.

Or, maybe I'll just stay entertained.