Forget How Much it Hurts and Try Again.

A lot has been happening and the virtue I am exercising this week is patience.

I had a wicked cold for a week which is still not totally gone, though mentally I am fine. I'm still just coughing a bit. Anyway, boy and I both got sick at the same time and had to cancel plans for Bonfire Night. I ended up just watching fireworks from the bus and from my bedroom window, though mostly I could only hear them in the distance.

I had to work through my cold as everyone at my work was also sick. I had days of not being able to hear, not being able to breathe, coughing, all the normal cold symptoms, but I am so used to my paid sick-days and a boss who doesn't want me to get my germs in her business that I haven't worked while properly sick in years. It left me not wanting to do anything at all.

Finally, this weekend, I was feeling mended. Sunday, I met up with boy and got immersed into a world that is far cooler than I am. We walked around Brick Lane, Spitalfields Market, and the vintage market. I bought some beautiful hand-spun wool, which I have since made a hat out of, and had Japanese street food for lunch. It was pretty great. Afterward, went to see a gig in a record shop. Again, wasn't sure what I was in for, since with music it could have been anything, but it turned out to be absolutely lovely ladies singing and playing guitar.

The only downside to the day was a strangeness in the conversation. I was nervous, given that I have now realized that I do actually like him. So, being nervous, I get a bit quiet and awkward. He was very sleepy and kind of quiet. Of course I cannot just stay cool and be ok with his quietness, I have to worry about it. So I became more nervous and generally felt bad about whether or not we were getting on.

What I realized afterward, which was reinforced when texting with him later, was that other people get nervous too. It dawned on me that he probably isn't totally comfortable around me either, and that's not my fault. He's a bit awkward and has told me he's shy, so of course he'd be quiet! Anyway, I totally shifted from feeling inadequate to feeling compassionate towards him and his shyness. I'm interested to see how this change of context will impact our next meeting!

Regardless, he is very sweet and nice to me. He offers me all kinds of helpful advice about this lovely city and checks on me to see how I'm doing. I told him my first impression of him was that he was harmless, and it does still fit. We disagree or just have different preferences on all kinds of things, and he neither forces his point nor changes his mind. It's refreshing. And none of this captures it, exactly. He is simply very nice to me, and I am inclined to be very nice to him. It feels good.

I am also very aware that this is the first time I've felt this way since most-recent-ex, which was nearly 8 months ago, as well as this is the first crush I've had since P when I was 19. I finally feel ready for this - I feel like I've finally gotten my appetite back after having been sick for a long time.

I read a quote today: "Forget how much it hurts and try again." That is how I feel with regards to relationship. I have my heart very securely on my sleeve and I am keenly aware I might get hurt, here. But I want love more than I am afraid of getting hurt. Boy has a quote as well: "The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated." His is from Ted Hughes. I am inspired by both quotes, but I want to know why he likes his.

Here we go!