Up in the Air

4:40 pm Oct 17 (GMT -8) - Posted later due to internet shortages.

So here I am, somewhere above Lake Athabasca, over Saskatchewan.

Suddenly, I was just struck with that I am really over Saskatchewan. Assiniboia district. This is the land that my ancestors all settled in, well the K's, the F's, the O's... not sure about the H's. This was a land of refuge for those Europeans. Depending on the part of my family, they came here from different lands and for different reasons, but overwhelmingly it was the decision to head west in hope.

I wonder if it's a distant remnant of that hope which has me pursue a life in England. And it's a hiatus for me. I'm not fleeing religious persecution or desolate circumstances. There is no unrest in Russia forcing me away from the Black Sea. I am not fleeing an abusive family, courageously seeking Canada at 13. There is no urgency to my trip besides the pursuit of a better life.

Another theme to my life these last few days has been that of fate. I'm not sure what lies ahead for me, but I am clear that I just took a fork in the road. I do not live in Canada anymore. I live nowhere. And in a sense, I'm not clear that I will ever live anywhere again. I have given up my home.

I'm curious to see how I'll feel about my hometown when I return next year. The supermall will be built. School will be waiting. My friends and family left behind will still be there. But it will all have changed, and I will have missed it.

On a less sentimental note, I am listening to my recent download of Jones Street Station. It's excellent. I was drawn to them because of their fantastic music video, but since then I downloaded a bunch of their music. Pretty awesome.

This morning was surreal. Dad left me a note, which made me cry, and I hung out with and said goodbye to Elway. I hope he's still around when I get back, but I don't know. I spent a good portion of this time wondering what the hell I was thinking. Then I taxied to the Airport. That was just fuss, getting on the plane and whatnot, but upon arrival in Vancouver I saw a departures screen which listed all these international destinations: Tokyo, Shanghai . . . and though my departure wasn't listed, it made it real again for me.

Holy pierogi I'm going to England.

We're already half-way across Saskatchewan. From the looks of this map, Nunavut is missing. It's all just NWT. I'm not clear where the border is, so I can't say for sure where I'm headed next.

Los Angeles is on the little flight map. That just makes me think of the crazy idea I had of finishing my Comp-Sci degree and heading to Silicone Valley. Working in California. In the sun. Where it's warm. Having lived my whole life in Canada, I can't imagine a place that doesn't just rain most of the time. I can't imagine being warm all the time. That just seems like an unreasonable luxury, but for me it could be possible.

I guess following the film people also has this seem like more of a possibility for me, given that they all live there. That's something to think about.

Living somewhere warm. Being warm. It just not raining all the time.

Anyway, the dinner cart is on its way here, so I guess I will stop for now. Have to make the best possible use of my tray, here.

Distraction

So given that I leave this country in three days, I am finding ways to distract myself and delay the inevitable what-was-I-thinking-I-am-going-to-die panic which will hit me at some point. One of the ways I have been doing this is by thinking about writing.

The idea of writing excites me. The idea of creating a world full of wonderful characters who are relatable and imperfect inspires me. The idea of contributing something worthwhile that other people actually read and like is my top-secret dream, but I have no idea how to do it, so I've been reading about it.

As I mentioned before, I'm a big fan of Dan Harmon. I was reading his blog and came across this post about character creation. I have been thinking of doing this exercise on someone I know, but I'm worried that I won't be able to stay compassionate. I think I would have to tear their soul out of their chest to really do this right, and it seems like an unfair exercise for that reason. That being said, whatever judgement I unearth through the exercise would be something that is right there, anyway, but it seems like writing something down in text makes it more real and final than thinking it in my head.

Or maybe I've got it all wrong and it won't be until I really embrace and wade around in someone else's flaws that I'll be able to finally accept them.

I think these noble thoughts like that maybe I will work on this while I'm on the plane, but in reality I'll likely watch some Community commentary until it's late enough to take an Ativan and go to sleep.

Change of Clothes

Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, just given everything that has happened, is my identity. There is something fixed and static that has me wake up in the same body every morning, but there is so much which is fluid and which I can change.

Take my location, for example. I am changing that to a new city, country, continent. My identity as a Canadian will stay the same, but with this physical change to a new location, part of who I see myself as will also change. I really find this comforting, which I wasn't expecting. I'm starting to enjoy testing the limits of who I am, and this change of where I live is an inevitable way to play with this. It also brings me to my second big change: who I am surrounded by.

Initially, the breakup had me be alone a lot. This was fine, and still is, but it had me pay a lot more attention to myself, since there was nobody else around. I thought for the first time in a long time about what would make me happy, regardless of anyone else. There isn't anyone I'm accountable to anymore, as friends and family can take or leave me, as far as I'm concerned. They don't get to say where I live or what I do, as that's not what their role in my life is. I don't tell them what to do, either. And given that I was now alone, I spent a lot of time just really thinking about all of the things that I could do, if I wanted to.

Some of those things were obvious, some surprised me. Some were enormous decisions (moving to England) and some were subtle (buying new glasses). I'm still very much in this transition period. Right now, I'm considering what schooling I want to take when I get back from England.

The third change, which I am making consciously, is re-thinking my entire wardrobe. As much as I try to justify a way around it, I know that I convey a large part of my personality and who I am to the world through what I choose to wear. It's not that any item of clothing is inherently better than any other, but everything I wear is a choice. The choice is what matters, not the fabric.  Now, it is honestly a better expression of myself to be wearing a cardigan with weird colour-blocking than to be wearing some sweater which is also workplace-approved.

Given that I have this choice, today I did go shopping. I thought a lot about who I want to be in the world, and I realized that having only one pair of jeans (which are rolled up at the bottoms because they are too long and which are honestly getting a little beat up) is not what I'm going for. Also, having these jeans be flared to offset my curves in a weird mom-trying-to-look-hip way when I am miles away from children is frankly kind of weird and ridiculous. So, I bought a pair dark wash skinny jeans and some grey cords. Both of these actually match my age and do not hide that yes, I have some curves, because who the hell cares? By trying to hide what I look like, I just look foolish.

I've actually had a few things I've read/seen point to this, lately. This comic http://theoatmeal.com/comics/age captures it perfectly. The person who is weird about the thing they don't like draws attention to it and comes across as an insecure weirdo. And I am pretty secure. Another thing that stuck was Danny Pudi in: http://rookiemag.com/2012/09/ask-a-grown-man-danny-pudi/ . There was something he said to the effect of "I'm a big fan of embracing your body type." He's adorable and super skinny, and I appreciate that he totally rocks the skinny jeans, which draw attention to his shape. They suit him.

So I think that my skinny pants and bright coloured clothing purchases today suit me. I really like how I look right now, which is cool, and I think my skinny jeans, weird-coloured cardigan, and t-shirt reflect my personality pretty well. Clothing is something that I can change about myself which is absolutely in my control, so it's a fun place to start. And a good looking guy checked me out, so that doesn't hurt!

Waiting and waiting

Still homeless. There is something sort of satisfying about it, really. I have no obligations beyond sitting around on peoples' couches, cleaning up after myself, and helping to pay for groceries.

The time staying with friends and baby was great. The baby was pretty cool though I'm clearer still that I don't want to have children of my own. It's not that I have anything against babies, it's more that I'm becoming clearer and clearer that I don't know that I want to dedicate my life to anything in particular. It's not that I would have to quit my job and stay home with the kids, giving up on all hope of being anything other than a mother, but more that I want the freedom to do whatever I like.

That being said, I'm not sure if that's all of it. Plenty of people drag their kids around while they move countries or cities - think of army brats or children of diplomats or whatever. I think it's more that I just don't want to be accountable to anyone who can't take care of themself. A partner is easy - they have free will to do whatever it is they want and can choose to follow me or not. But a child would be dependent on me for everything, and I just don't want that much responsibility.

Back to my homeless state.

The longer that I go on with this, the easier I am finding it. With low responsibility comes high relaxation. Also, a lot of time on the internet. This leads to me getting to participate in Twitter AMA's and read everything I possibly can by Dan Harmon. My hope is that if I consume enough, I will eventually begin to be able to produce something worthwhile.

Or, maybe I'll just stay entertained.

Strange Times

I got asked today if I am a writer. It's a strange question, given that there's not much that I'd rather be able to do. Given that I write, I suppose that I am a writer of sorts, in the same way that someone who runs must also be a runner. You are what you do.

I have been reading a lot of blog posts and such by Dan Harmon. He is a masterpiece and a complete weirdo of a human being. That's why I am enjoying what he creates so much, though. I am familiar with self-loathing and borderline insane narcissism.

Sometimes people notice when I have really great insight into other people, but all of the insight has come from staring at myself. The weird self-awareness and interest is what has given me whatever knowledge I have. It's not good or bad, but it's true. I guess it's something of a waste given that I'm not a very social person, so there isn't a lot of opportunity for me to offer this insight to anyone else, but that's beside the point.

I wish that I was a more directly creative person and that I could somehow transfer my knowledge into building proper characters. I'd love to write a novel, but I'm not sure what I would talk about and who my characters would be. I'd love to treat them with the same love and dignity that Mr. Harmon does, and be able to love each and every character for exactly who they are and write them as flawed human beings. I guess it comes down to that I'm not confident that I'm a compassionate enough person. I'm more than willing to throw people I don't like under the bus. And that doesn't make for very interesting storytelling.

I'm not sure if this is something that I'd need to reconcile beforehand.

Oh God, now all I can think about is a bizarro Lifetime special about a writer who struggles but learns to love her characters and learns to love again. I might barf a little.

Another thing that I guess I could try is to follow the advice that Mr. Harmon suggests on his blog about examining people in your life who provoke a reaction from you and distilling them down into what makes them them. It seems like a somewhat unfair experiment to conduct on the innocents in my life, but it might be useful.

Ending this here, now.

Coming and Going

I'm temporarily homeless. The plan is coming into effect nicely. From now until October 18th, I have no home. Come the 18th, I will have a home-stay to live at, but only for two weeks. Then, I will be homeless again.

I'm finding that there is something strangely relaxing about the impermanence of my situation. I have two weeks left in my home city, in this country, and then I am gone. The plan is to stay for a year. The plan is to find work and then travel. The plan is very vague. This isn't a problem for me, in part because this is exactly what I wanted, but also because I'm trying not to think too much about it.

There is also some strangeness about the circumstances of my life right now. Today, I made two large batches of soup for my ex. I said I would, as he helped me move things to storage and take things to the dump, and he really saved my ass when it needed saving. He came in for the save, so I offered my cooking skills. So, a batch of borscht and a batch of carrot, ginger, and spaghetti squash (he thought he'd bought butternut - I improvised) soup later, I am sitting in his bed. He's out, which is its own thing, and I have been lazing around for about four hours.

I received the first three seasons of Community in the mail today. I mailed them to his house, since I'm homeless. Anyway, I completely adore this show, and I am the type of person that the special features are made for. Dan Harmon discussing how and why they shot the scene the way they did? Fantastic. I care about these things. This show has a meaning for me that doesn't even make sense and I have relied heavily on its existence for the last few weeks to get me through the day. I think I will fall back on it while abroad, too.

I have nothing much else to report. Mostly I'm just playing the waiting game until I leave. Tomorrow I visit friends with a new baby, then help them with Thanksgiving. All these things I've been thinking about and planning are starting to happen, which means England will happen too, and I just find it all very strange.