Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, just given everything that has happened, is my identity. There is something fixed and static that has me wake up in the same body every morning, but there is so much which is fluid and which I can change.
Take my location, for example. I am changing that to a new city, country, continent. My identity as a Canadian will stay the same, but with this physical change to a new location, part of who I see myself as will also change. I really find this comforting, which I wasn't expecting. I'm starting to enjoy testing the limits of who I am, and this change of where I live is an inevitable way to play with this. It also brings me to my second big change: who I am surrounded by.
Initially, the breakup had me be alone a lot. This was fine, and still is, but it had me pay a lot more attention to myself, since there was nobody else around. I thought for the first time in a long time about what would make me happy, regardless of anyone else. There isn't anyone I'm accountable to anymore, as friends and family can take or leave me, as far as I'm concerned. They don't get to say where I live or what I do, as that's not what their role in my life is. I don't tell them what to do, either. And given that I was now alone, I spent a lot of time just really thinking about all of the things that I could do, if I wanted to.
Some of those things were obvious, some surprised me. Some were enormous decisions (moving to England) and some were subtle (buying new glasses). I'm still very much in this transition period. Right now, I'm considering what schooling I want to take when I get back from England.
The third change, which I am making consciously, is re-thinking my entire wardrobe. As much as I try to justify a way around it, I know that I convey a large part of my personality and who I am to the world through what I choose to wear. It's not that any item of clothing is inherently better than any other, but everything I wear is a choice. The choice is what matters, not the fabric. Now, it is honestly a better expression of myself to be wearing a cardigan with weird colour-blocking than to be wearing some sweater which is also workplace-approved.
Given that I have this choice, today I did go shopping. I thought a lot about who I want to be in the world, and I realized that having only one pair of jeans (which are rolled up at the bottoms because they are too long and which are honestly getting a little beat up) is not what I'm going for. Also, having these jeans be flared to offset my curves in a weird mom-trying-to-look-hip way when I am miles away from children is frankly kind of weird and ridiculous. So, I bought a pair dark wash skinny jeans and some grey cords. Both of these actually match my age and do not hide that yes, I have some curves, because who the hell cares? By trying to hide what I look like, I just look foolish.
I've actually had a few things I've read/seen point to this, lately. This comic http://theoatmeal.com/comics/age captures it perfectly. The person who is weird about the thing they don't like draws attention to it and comes across as an insecure weirdo. And I am pretty secure. Another thing that stuck was Danny Pudi in: http://rookiemag.com/2012/09/ask-a-grown-man-danny-pudi/ . There was something he said to the effect of "I'm a big fan of embracing your body type." He's adorable and super skinny, and I appreciate that he totally rocks the skinny jeans, which draw attention to his shape. They suit him.
So I think that my skinny pants and bright coloured clothing purchases today suit me. I really like how I look right now, which is cool, and I think my skinny jeans, weird-coloured cardigan, and t-shirt reflect my personality pretty well. Clothing is something that I can change about myself which is absolutely in my control, so it's a fun place to start. And a good looking guy checked me out, so that doesn't hurt!
No comments:
Post a Comment